KNITTING WITHOUT DOG HAIR IS NOT AN OPTION

A bunch of aggrevating things happened today:

1. I found out that the guy I dealt with over the phone to have Irwin's cars insured for the time being - until I decide what to do - gave me totally wrong information and I basically paid 1000 $ for the cars not being insured and not driveable by anyone. But, no worries, another coworker from the same insurance company fixed everything this morning and now I am all set.

2. When I cancelled all the credit cards yesterday, I was told that the only thing left was to go to the bank and deal with the checking account and the safety deposit box in person. So, I went to the bank this morning before work and waited over 45 minutes until somebody was able to see me. And then I found out that I need two pieces of paper for the bank to actually close the account and for me to get to the safety deposit box. Those two documents are the death certificate and a so called "letter of testamentary", issued by the probate court which indicates that I am the person that has been appointed as executor or administrator of the estate. I could have saved myself the trouble of going there if I would have known.

3. When I asked my attorney who handles the filings for court etc., what the status is on the death certificate he said that he spoke to the medical examiner who told him that he hadn't issued the death certificate yet because he ordered medical records from Irwin's physician. Now, here is my question... When I talked to the MD when he found Irwin, he said Irwin had a heart attack and that the MD wouldn't even do an autopsy. I wonder what this is about with the medical records... Well, I will have to wait until Monday to call the MD and ask him myself.

4. The laptop is not working from home as it should. I had a problem yesterday and took it to work today. At work the connection and the logon worked fine. Back home again, not working anymore, arggggg... Oh well, I am too tired to check it out some more.

BUT - All my anger went away when I went to Knitch this afternoon for a couple of hours of knitting. I so love the store and my knitting friends. It was so nice to see everyone. I cried a bunch of times but that happens quite frequently these days. I am mascara-free for 10 days now. It is really not worth it... But I left around 7pm before the usually big knitting crowd showed up. Just enough time to meet some people and not get too overwhelmed. And the doggies were waiting at home to get fed and walked anyway.

And I had to buy yarn - of course:

Saucy Supersoft Superwash Merino - named after Famous Steve - Famous Chocolate Fondue by numma numma. Aren't these colors yummy? Makes me almost have an appetite...

And some yarn to make baby booties:

And I drove Irwin's toy to work today - the pimp car (a bright red Toyota Supra). I love that car and I love that Irwin loved it so much. The parking garage at work has a car wash and I treated the car to a hand wash and interior cleaning. Plus, it is so much fun to drive. I just have to watch my speed because it can go 180 miles/hour... And there is no autobahn anywhere around Atlanta...

I am going to be busy this weekend. I'll keep you posted.

HAVE A GREAT FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND!

PS: Did you know that there is a cow appreciation day? Yeap - July 11:

I took the picture on my way home tonight from Knitch.

Posted at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Not only I have morbid humor - my friends have morbid humor, too. One of my dear friends in California, who was actually programming Java software with Irwin at Sun Microsystems, sent me this YouTube video today which he recorded for me yesterday.

His totally cute daughter is a rock star and dances to a German heavy metal song. Poor girl - what a crazy dad! I looked up the lyrics. This is one of the refrains - how true:

Wir werden alle sterben, haltet euch bereit.
Die Zeichen sind eindeutig; bald ist es soweit.
Vielleicht schon heute Abend, vielleicht in einem Jahr;
Doch alle werden sterben, traurig aber wahr.

Here is your translation:

We are all going to die, be ready.
The signs are clear; it is going to be soon.
Maybe tonight, maybe in one year.
But we are all going to die, sad but true.

I still don't like heavy metal but I like those lyrics - well done with choosing the song. After all, my "high-time" was in the 80s and I like that happy disco music much more.

When our friend emailed me today with the link, he brought back some wonderful memories from the time I met Irwin. We were all out in California for a sales training and Irwin and our friend shared a room. And one night, Irwin didn't show up after an evening at the hotel bar... I guess he spent the night somewhere else... Gee, those loose European women... ;-) And how could I forget that??? That was the beginning of a very fabulous time in my life.

It is nice to remember these "little" things and go down memory lane. Here is a picture from that time.

We went to Alcatraz that day. Somehow I always end up organizing stuff and hanging out with the boys. And that is what I looked liked in 2000. What a change...

The last couple of days have been very productive and healing. Little steps at a time.

I wrote about 120 announcement cards (so far) and I cancelled about a dozen credit cards and made names changes on phone services etc. And I am very proud because I only had one major melt-down while being on the phone. I literally had to speak with 12 different people for each credit card or service. It is no fun to tell each one the same thing... I am calling because my husband passed away, blablabla... So, losing it only once is pretty good in my book.

I have been at the office every day for a few hours this week. That is good because it gets me out of the house and I also get a little routine in my life and the pooches' life. I know it is no fun for them being gated in the kitchen, but hey, that’s as good as it gets at the moment. All our lifes are upside down. But, as I said, we are doing pretty good. We go for a walk every night when I get home. I enjoy that because they are soooo fun to walk.

And because they are good puppies, they got a treat last night.

Those of you have been reading my blog for a while, know that Irwin was a tremendously generous man and that he would shower me with gifts for every occasion. My sister-in-law told me that he told her that he had been buying gifts for me for my birthday (coming up next week) and that they are hidden all over the house. I guess I'll be finding stuff for a long time. Which is kind of nice and heart breaking at the same time. One of my friends told me yesterday that sounds like the movie “PS, I love you.”, but she also advised me not to watch it now. Maybe I’ll get the book from the library at some point.

So, here is what I found when I got home last week. Irwin ordered me plastic displays for my socks. I always complained that even tho’ I have beautiful wooden sock blockers, they don’t work well to take 3-D pictures. He was such a sweetie. Gosh, I miss him…

Last night I took a few knitting pictures – remember, this was a knitting blog at some point…

Bayerische Socks – nope that is not me posing on the mantel…

Tigris Wyvern Socks

La Digitessa Sock

Tomorrow I’ll have to go to the bank to close out Irwin’s accounts and peek in his safety deposit box. I have no clue about what I’ll find there. I will keep you posted.

Posted at 11:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

The picture of today is of Irwin's favorite soft toy, a dog called Honkey.

Irwin got Honkey - the dog with the black nose in the center of the picture - in 1954. My SIL took Honkey as a memento back to Vermont and united Honkey with some of her childhood toys. They look happy to be retired together in a basket, don't you think?

My day today was very draining. It started out with phone calls to the phone company and such. After a few calls I gave up. How many times can you repeat that your husband died last week and they have to change whatever service he had with them to you? Really bleh...

Then I went to the office for a few hours and met with the attorney who will handle Irwin's estate for me. He said that everything looks pretty easy since Irwin had a will and I have full power-of-attorney. But I don't trust attorneys, remember - I work for one. ;-) Anyways, hopefully there will be no hick-ups along the way.

And then I went to dinner with Famous Steve. I wanted to swing by the restaurant where Brett works to say hello and show him the progress on his sweater and maybe have a chat and a drink. I called Steve on the spur of the moment and asked if he wanted to join me. He works around the corner of the restaurant. Steve was already on his way home but turned around to keep me company. Such a sweet guy!!! That was my highlight for today! And of course seeing Brett - not to forget! Who invited me and the pups to hang out by his pool. I don't think he knows in how much trouble he could get with the dogs at the pool. ;-)

I also picked up the announcement and thank-you cards. They turned out really beautiful. I'll post a scan some other time. I am too tired tonight.

This morning before I had to leave for work and to do the errands, I set up the new doggy day camp. I am baby gating the dogs in the kitchen which is pretty big and sunny and has windows for them to "watch TV". I think this set-up will work for the time being. They were very excited when I got home and I had two dancing dogs. ;-) After they had their dinner, we went for a walk. I so enjoy their company. And they enjoy that they can sleep with me on the bed in my crafts room. I can't sleep in the bedroom at the moment. I don't know if I ever will... But that is not for now to decide.

AND AGAIN - I so love all your comments on the blog. They really carry me through this rough time. Thanks for being here for me!

Posted at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I can't believe that it is already been a week...

After a pretty restless night, my day started out with cleaning. I am really not myself because I. HATE. CLEANING.... That is why Irwin once got me a t-shirt that says “Cleaning and cooking is for people who have not discovered knitting yet.”

A friend of Irwin's from the past called me back yesterday evening and I was very emotional after the call and therefore couldn't really sleep much. The two of them had lost contact after Hurricane Katrina happened. The friend lived in New Orleans and his house, where Irwin and I spent one Christmas back in 2002, was destroyed during the hurricane. They haven't talked to one another in a very long time and I wanted to reach his friend and let him know about Irwin because they had been very close friends back then. It is so sad for me to tell all his friends that he is gone.

So this morning, I was thinking of what to do with myself and I started out cleaning the two porches we have. The dogs kept me company and played in the backyard. After that, I decided that I wanted to put some of Irwin's books away - which have been laying around in the living room - in boxes for the basement. I just can't look at them at the moment. Eventually, I will also have to decide what to do with his books. He got a lot of them and they are all in excellent shape. I am thinking about donating them to a public library. Any other thoughts?

Then I went knitting with Jen to Jacquie's house who hosted a little knit-in and Jane, Diana and Regan joined us. It was just the right size of a group without getting overwhelming for me. I am so grateful for my knitting friends. What would I do without them? We chatted and knitted for a few hours and it took my mind of Irwin.

Maybe that is one of the reasons why I am a lot calmer tonight. I think it is because things are starting slowly to fall into place. Or maybe the glass of red wine is helping, too...

I compiled a CD for Irwin's sister with all of the pictures I could find on his computer of him. As you can imagine, there are not that many because he took mostly pictures of me and the dogs and he also didn't like his picture taken.

This one I found with my SIL on a stack of memorabilia from his time in Texas. He was crazy about fast things – like roller coasters and cars. And so he went skydiving one time.

I love this picture with his big grin. Even tho’ the strong wind is helping to make him smile like Steve Martin. ;-)

If you care to look at more pictures, I created an album on Flickr.

I am going to work tomorrow for a few hours to check on things and I will also let my laptop get set up so I can work from home.

Have a good night – I am trying to go to sleep now.

Posted at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

My SIL and her husband went back home to Vermont this morning. As I said before, they were a big help and support the last few days. Yesterday was our last evening together and we did something special to honor Irwin. We watched “A Day at the Races” with the Marx Brothers. I once gave Irwin the whole collection of Marx Brothers movies and so we didn’t even have to go out to rent it. We all laughed a lot, especially when the quote came up we thought about putting on the card: “Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”

So now, it's facing the facts for me. I am alone and I have to get on with my life without Irwin which is so unbelievable. I keep getting phone calls from Irwin's friends who can't believe that he is gone. I know I can't believe it either. But yesterday was somewhat of a special day when we picked up his remains. I think it starts sinking in that he is really, really gone.

My boss called me today to check on me and he asked me how I was doing. We haven't talked since Wednesday morning and therefore I told him what arrangements we had planned and that Irwin was cremated in the meantime. And then he asked what kind of service we had and he was surprised when I told him that there was no service yet. He asked about where “they” were holding onto Irwin until we had some kind of service because in Germany you can't take the ashes homes. By law, they will have to remain at the cemetery in a plot. When I told him that Irwin was in a box at home, residing in our dining room sideboard next to his favorite Riedel wine glasses, my boss started to laugh and said that only I could come up with such a resting place for my husband. I will go to work on Monday for a few hours and have our IT guy set up my laptop to logon from home. That way, if I have a terrible time at work, I can just go home and work from there and I don’t have to face people with my puffy eyes.

After I dropped the Vermonters off at the airport this morning, I went to visit Jane and Mittens.

I figured I would visit with a few close friends at the beginning and then get out in public more. I still need a lot of space - after all it just happened six freakin’ days ago. Jane and I had a very quiet visit, except when Mittens - who misses his little brother Socks who is at the vet at the moment - tried to get our attention and either chewed on Jane’s hair or my flip-flops. We talked for several hours and I even knitted a few rows. The first rows ever since I came back from Germany on Tuesday. It just takes another knitter to inspire. ;-)

I realized over the last few days how differently people grief in Germany and here in the US. In Germany grief is something very private. People pay their respects at a memorial service or mass and maybe get together for a meal. Other than that you have to call upon your friends when you need help. In the US it is very different. The support is very open and you get food, people offer to run errands, etc. I can see that people might get overwhelmed both ways and so far I have had a very healthy balance between enough space to grief and a fridge that has never been fuller. I got a lot of fruit which I love and I tried to convince Hermione and Noah that bananas would be just as good as dog food but somehow they didn’t trust me…

My parents call every day to check on me and they can’t believe when I tell them how wonderful my friends take care of everything. When my brother called today, he joked and said, “Hey, if you play your cards right, you can have someone clean your house and dog sit for you for a while.” Well, little bro, that might be a little abusive, I think. Plus, I discovered the soothing comfort of cleaning. And I am not a big fan of having other people clean up my mess.

Anyways, I am still so in awe over all the kindness and offers to help. Just wonderful to feel all this love!

I took the pooches for a walk a little while ago and the walk turned into quite a big loop. I just felt like walking even tho’ it was pretty hot. And I think I exhausted Hermione and Noah. Poor things, they are currently pretending that they are a piece of rug next to my feet.

Posted at 7:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

We are doing ok. So far so good. Irwin's sister is a big help. She and I have had wonderful long conversations about Irwin and we enjoy each other’s stories since she came to visit.

This morning we designed an announcement card and a thank you card. It has been very emotional because we were thinking about what to do best. We wanted to add a famous quote to the announcement card. And that turned into a long search for the perfect one, of course.

We started out with Albert Einstein, because Irwin and Albert share the same birthday and Irwin was also a brainy. Here is what we looked at:

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.

Then we started looking at quotes from Groucho Marx because he was Irwin's favorite comedian.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. (from A Day at the Races (1937))

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

But in the end we didn't use any of them. Irwin would have thought that it would be hilarious to have one those quotes on his card, but we figured they were not really appropriate for a death announcement.

Finally I found a really lovely quote that referred to a jigsaw puzzle. You might remember that Irwin collected jigsaw puzzles and his collection is gigantic - over 8,000 different puzzles.

I wonder when I can face our basement and think about what to do with his puzzles. Besides the puzzles he also owns a big collection of books and matchbox cars. Well, that is not for now but eventually I will have to think about it.

This afternoon we went to the funeral home and picked Irwin's remains up. That was probably the most bizarre situation in my life so far, especially because the guys at the funeral home were kind of creepy. My SIL's husband carried the box outside - I just couldn't. He is a really sweet guy and very comforting for me to have around with my SIL.

It is more final now – when you have a piece of paper in your hand that states that your husband is now in a box in front of you. I think it is good for me to have such a clear picture because I kept thinking that Irwin would just show up and everything would go back to normal.

The last time I saw him was at the Munich airport when he came to visit me in May. He went through the security area and up the stairs and waived at me. I stayed until I didn’t see him anymore. You wonder why you do these things.

The puppies enjoy the extra hands for petting. I told them that will probably stop once the visitors from Vermont go home.

It is good for me to see the happy dogs playing around in the backyard.

Posted at 4:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

...and hello prescription sunglasses.

It is just not worth it at the moment to wear eye make-up. Even though there is laughter, there are also moments where I think that I am going to drown in tears and I will never have “unpuffy” eyes again. But I know it is good to go through the emotions and that I just have to go with the flow. BUT - I hate that my emotions are soooo out of control. And this is sooo hard for the German in me who likes to be in control 24/7, but I am taking a day at a time and I am trying make the best of it and trying to control as much as I can.

I am going to share a few moments from yesterday and the day before that made me laugh – which while I am typing this brings another smile to my face. Thank goodness for all these memories that carry me through this.

And at this point my apologies that the English on my blog is not going to be the high standard anymore that you are used to. One of Irwin’s many fantastic things was that he was the editor-in-chief of my knitting blog. It is time for me to stop saying Hubby. I like his name better. For example, one time Irwin decided that it would be better to write “chick flicks” instead of “girlie movies”. Which I am sure would have been entertaining to you guys, if he hadn’t changed it. ;-)

So, here is something funny that happened with Jacquie the day she picked me up at the airport while we had to wait for the locksmith to get into the house. Jacquie suggested to make some phone calls and offered me her cell phone. I don’t know if you have seen the movie “Sex and The City” or not. If not, I am going to spoil the movie for you now, sorry… Carrie’s groom – Big – doesn’t show up at the wedding and so she asks for a phone to call him. Samantha hands her an iPhone which Carrie returns immediately and says “I don't know how to work this!” Jacquie handed me her iPhone and I looked at it and had to laugh because I had no clue what to do. So, I had a “Sex and the City” moment. Poor Jacquie had to dial for me… If you know Jacquie, you know she is a gadget queen. I admire her for that. I am in many ways still so old-fashioned. I still write stuff in notebooks at work. I know, shocking.

And speaking of Jacquie – I am so grateful for all the things she started organizing and getting friends lined up for food etc. You guys are an amazing bunch. Knitters, duh!!! What else to expect, right? My SIL is vegetarian and I asked for food that she can eat as well. Which I know is hard for you Southern gals. The food from last night was really delicious - even though I am not into eating at the moment.

So, while I was gone to the airport to pick-up my SIL and her husband, Jacquie and her wonderful daughter Jessica organized that the sofa Irwin died on would be gone. When we got home, I had a new sofa in my living room. Well, it is borrowed but new for me. And then I will go shopping for a new couch when I feel like. And after all that, Jacquie made poor Jessica dust the endless shelves in my living room. Amazing ladies – I can tell you. They also took the Christmas tree down for me. Irwin wanted to do that but liked to look at the crystal ornaments we hung up last year and so we still had the tree up in June… But interestingly we were not alone with still having the tree up that late because Jessica took her tree down last weekend. She told me that it was funny when she and her friend came by to pick up the sofa. She walked in the door and passed the tree and her friend said, “Oh, look, they still have their tree up.” It was so normal for Jessica having her tree up that she didn’t even notice. Too funny…

After Jessica and Jacquie left yesterday, I had a sparkling new living room, dusted and with shampooed (!) carpets. Told you they were awesome…

Thanks to all of you at this point for all the wonderful messages, emails, voicemails, comments. It makes me feel so much better to know that I have this wonderful group of people who take care of me. It is good for me to write on the blog and let you know what is going on at the moment. THANK YOU - for reading and caring!!!

A lot of bizarre things also happened. One of them was that George Carlin died June 22 in California from heart failure. The same day as Irwin died from a heart attack. Well, Irwin's official date on the death certificate will be the 23rd because that is when he was found. But the medical examiner told me that he passed away between 12-14 hours before they found him which then would have been the 22nd. I talked to Irwin's best friend back from the cup scout days for a long time last night and he told me that Irwin was totally fond of George Carlin which I didn’t know. But thinking about it, Irwin and George Carlin’s humor was very similar at times.

We - meaning my SIL, her husband and I – also decided what to do about Irwin’s arrangements.

We were thinking about how we could possibly accommodate all the people who knew Irwin and wanted to say good-bye, which is quite a challenge because they live in Michigan, Vermont, Georgia, New York and Germany. He sure doesn’t make it easy – always a challenge that man.

Irwin’s last will was to be cremated which caused a bit of a stir on the Jewish side of the family. But there is no way that I wouldn’t honor his last wish. The cremation is today and there will be no service – at the moment. I am still too shocked and raw to deal with any kind of arrangements and more than a few people at a time. Time needs to pass for that and I also want his friends and our families to have time to absorb what happened. We are planning to sprinkle his ashes later at different locations, on his Mom’s and Grandmother’s graves in New York, somewhere in Georgia Mountains where we used to take the dogs for a hiking vacation and somewhere in the German Alps. I am think I might take him to his all-time favorite castle, Neuschwanstein. We’ll see. But one thing is for sure – Irwin who didn’t really like to travel will be travelling. He loved to be at different places but he hated to get there.

Here is another little morbid snippet. When we got to the funeral home, we waited in the reception area and my SIL said “Wow, this place is huge. They could have weddings, christenings, etc. here too.” I didn’t get her joke right away and said that it might be a little morbid to have those happy occasions at the same place as the sad ones and asked her where she read that they would do that. When she explained that is was just a joke that she made up, we started laughing and I got the evil eye from one of the elderly funeral directors. That experience makes me want to re-watch all the episodes of "Six Feet Under", one of my favorite TV shows.

Well, sleeping and eating don’t seem to be my favorite things at the moment. But at least I got about 4 hours last night. I figure I will be very tired at some point and then I am just going to sleep then.

The dogs are wonderful. Like little shadows following me around. Well, Hermione being her usual self thinks that my SIL and her husband are here to visit her and Hermione can be quite a nuisance when she is begging for attention. And I think she knows that she can get away with it at the moment. I just don’t feel like correcting her. I will never know what the dogs felt and saw when Irwin died, but I am glad they were there and he was not all alone. I know how much he loved them. Such good kiddos!

Speaking of Ms.-I-need-all-of-your-attention-now is squeezing herself between me and the laptop – literally! It’s time for the morning trip to the backyard. And I have written enough for the moment. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts – I hope I will be able to pay back all your kindness some day. Don’t ask me to knit you an afghan tho’!

Posted at 7:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

I am back home and everything feels so bizarre. Like I am watching myself and it is like a sad movie. I can't get my head around that when I come into the living room or Hubby's office that he is not there and never will be ever again. He is really gone. That will take a long time for me to understand.

The dogs were amazing when I got home. Jacquie picked me up at the airport. The police was very thorough when they left yesterday and locked all the locks, even the one on the door into the garage. Which meant that I had to call a locksmith for us to get into the house.

While the locksmith opened the front door, Jacquie drove off to fill up my fridge and leave me some privacy to enter the house by myself. That was the part I feared most because I didn't know what to expect and what kind of a mess I would find.

But - I was glad to find nothing out of the order. I don't know how the dogs did it, but there were no puddles or poop. Amazing - the poor things were by themselves for the good part of two days.

Now we are all three cuddled up on the futon in my crafts room and I will try to get some sleep. And three of us will have have to get into a new routine. I kept myself busy with doing laundry and getting things in order. That is good therapy at the moment. I made several phone calls to Hubby's dearest friends and they are all in shock. It was just so unexpected - 55 is way too young to die. It is hard to tell people that their best friend from first grade just passed away.

Hubby's sister will come into town from Vermont tomorrow, with her husband, and then we will make plans for the arrangements.

I'll keep you posted. We might just have a very small and very private memorial service. Just like Hubby was a very private person. I just don't know yet and I don't want to decide this by myself.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVING COMMENTS!!!

This means so much to me. I promise to ask for help and a shoulder to cry on. I am sure I will need this soon...

Posted at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (40)

I am leaving Germany this morning to go back and take care of Hubby, one last time.

I am not sure what to expect when I get back home, not sure what needs to be done and how. I never thought I would lose Hubby so soon. Thankfully I have a lot of beautiful friends and my wonderful family to lean on.

I am not sure how much I will be able to blog, I might be gone for a while, I might use the blog as a lifeline or an outlet. There are so many things that whirl around in my head.

One main thing - what would have happened if I would have been there. I know this is nothing I should ask myself. I couldn't have changed a heart attack. But still, I ask myself...

Posted at 5:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (48)

Today I found out that you died. I will always love you and never forget you.

Hubby never wanted his face on the blog. Today I want to show you my all-time favorite picture. This is hard for me, but this I how I will always remember him.

Posted at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)